Hiii
I think the first thing that comes to mind is honestly, was my mask even convincing? I mean I dont really think so. I was stilled called weird and all that. Also I was the classic quiet kid.
Now I was masking, since I didnt stim in high school, or at uni. Atleast obviously. I repressed all that down as much as I could. But as I said, not well at all. In fact in hindsight, my difference from people was probably pretty quickly noticable.
Although it is a thin, almost transparent mask Ive tried to put on, I feel a great desire to pull it off.
Ive just started with the most obvious thing. Stimming.
As I walk now even in the city, I let my stims just do whatever. Flap a bit if I need, rubs my hands, saying “beewoop”. Its very freeing.
When Im talking in a group, I do noticable stims (rubbing my knuckles, light flicks of the wrist). Although i dont do vocal stims as to not interrupt the flow of the conversation.
I am also gonna straight up bring my cinnamon roll plushie to the next dnd session with my friends. Theyre understanding people, but I am still embarrased to do that. But im gonna do that because I fucking want to. I love hugging my plushies at home while doin stuff. Why not there?
I think my increasing acceptance of all of my autistic traits, comes from 3 things. First, is the social aspect ive seen of other autistic folk asserting they’re autistic in conversation, so ive followed suit. Second, is honestly being trans. Theres a level of pretty radical self acceptance in that process. Lastly, is me realising that autism is a disability. Not masking when I can (I may need to do so at work? I hope not) helps me accept who I am and heal.
I am also going to get some noise cancelling headphones. I realise I need to take care of myself much better. Put pre-emptive effort into preventing the near meltdowns (I cry a bit quietly) in the city because of all the noise.
Theres a lot I need to work out. Such as how disabled I am (gonna to a psych). But at least for now, I am helping myself by being myself.
-Minty