One time I boarded the wrong plane at the airport(at least I made it to the airport that time) and wound up in new york. Security was loose this was before 9/11 because I got to go up on the observation deck of the 9/11 building. I stayed at that godawful plaza hotel in manhattan because it was the first place I called that would take my credit card. I got a little turned around looking for the lobby and asked some fat fuck where the lobby was. When I say this fat fuck smelled like shit, I mean this fat fuck smelled like shit. Like he just finished a swimming tour of Willy Wonka’s Shit Factory. I would say he smelled like he was swimming in the East River but physical activity and him clearly did not cross paths. If you’ve ever seen a person who can ride a bike or walk a dog, this man was the opposite.

Anyways the fat sack of shit was quick to tell me he was the owner of the hotel and after ten minutes of him talking to himself about himself the directions he gave me to get to the lobby sent me to the nearest mcdonald’s. The bellhop kept asking me for gum and the concierge looked like somebody from Transylvania. The place was fucking weird and I wouldn’t say the owner is or was all that famous but I can say he was a huge fucking idiot who smelled like fresh warm shit.

I saw Ryan Gosling at a grocery store in Los Angeles yesterday. I told him how cool it was to meet him in person, but I didn’t want to be a douche and bother him and ask him for photos or anything.

He said, “Oh, like you’re doing now?”

I was taken aback, and all I could say was “Huh?” but he kept cutting me off and going “huh? huh? huh?” and closing his hand shut in front of my face. I walked away and continued with my shopping, and I heard him chuckle as I walked off. When I came to pay for my stuff up front I saw him trying to walk out the doors with like fifteen Milky Ways in his hands without paying.

The girl at the counter was very nice about it and professional, and was like “Sir, you need to pay for those first.” At first he kept pretending to be tired and not hear her, but eventually turned back around and brought them to the counter.

When she took one of the bars and started scanning it multiple times, he stopped her and told her to scan them each individually “to prevent any electrical infetterence,” and then turned around and winked at me. I don’t even think that’s a word. After she scanned each bar and put them in a bag and started to say the price, he kept interrupting her by yawning really loudly

I once saw Sam Elliot walking out of a Best Buy and holding a large pack of AA batteries, it was awful.