It’s good to have that awareness. Fear of abandonment doesn’t just moderate how we connect with people, it moderates how we feel about connection, during connection, etc.

I’m not the biggest fan of CBT - I think it can be used in a way that’s too clinical rather than felt - but wading into the beliefs you have about abandonment and self-worth can be very valuable. We can’t confront something until we shine a light on it.

Once the beliefs and feelings are labeled to some extent, the next step with CBT could be to identify the cognitive ( C ) distortions in those beliefs and then explore what a more balanced substitute could look like. Then by examining the behavioural (B) influence those beliefs had on you, you can try out new behaviours too. That kind of therapy (T) can help flush emotional states that have been stuck for some time.

But the mechanics of CBT aren’t enough. A well attuned therapist is what makes it more than the sum of its parts.

Yes, and the EU is currently promoting a very dodgy EU platform. When respected individuals report on the dodgyness , the get smeared as spreading “targetted disinformation” https://mastodon.ie/@elena@aseachange.com/117149520169152585

I would say every relationship I had was painful at the end. Breaking up is so hard whether it’s the person making the decision or the person who finds out. I look back on them fondly now, though, and I’m still friends with some of those. My last breakup was very amicable and we’re still besties.

The reason I say all that (and feel free to check out if this is getting too much) is I wonder do you tend to weigh the final moments more in your memories? I’ve been able to separate those breakups, depersonalise them and it’s left me with a solid footing where I look back and feel enriched by the relationship that preceded them.

Learning about cognitive distortions can maybe help a little here, especially maximisation (of the negatives) and minimisation (of the positives).

It sounds like you’re feeling. understandably, lonely. Sometimes that’s because our relationships with our friends have changed, although it can akso be because we become a bit numb even to what is good for us.

I remember what it’s like not being in the headspace to find good memories. It really helped me to keep a mental journal of those. Although I did have to crawl out of a hole slightly first to be able for that.

One thing is for sure, your emotions are telling you that you need something and in my experience doing other things (like playing games etc) only amplifies them. It’s as if they’re demanding our attention and contact.

A partner is a wonderful thing. Sometimes they just happen organically when we’re enjoying ourselves in other ways.

A baseline support of people you care about and who care about you can be very nourishing.

My own best memories are of shared laughter with friends, even if those friendships were fleeting. Those times did more for me than consumption (eg of media).

The diagnosis sound challenging. Are there other neurodivergent people in your life that you enjoy meeting? What are your happiest memories?

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds complicated in your case: a history of a depressive or lethargic baseline, medication in the mix and an unavoidable reminder of the rejection.

TV, computer games, etc, cannot meet human needs. We are an interdependent species that generally need meaningful human relationships.

I think that instead of figuring out how to not be sad, you might need to look at what has made you genuinely happy over the course of you life.

Also, do you have a diagnosis that justified the medication?

As much as i despise Meta and our governments who collude with them, my biggest disappointment is our fellow citizens who enable them the most.

When a narcissistic (or other personality disorder) person has disposed of us, it’s normal to feel totally disorientated. I’m assuming too much here, but I’ve seen this pattern often so since you sound surprised I’ll just elaborate a little.

Unfortunately there are many men out there who only really experience feelings around their base desires: eating, drinking, sex, etc. They want to be satiated, but because they lack empathy they can’t engage normally with people. So they calculate in advance how to maximise charm and speed up results. They’ve gotten good at this from spending a lot of time observing people and wondering why they’re not like them. Usually from an early age.

Once they’ve gotten what they want, it’s like having just had a large meal. They cannot face us anymore, and faking interest even becomes harder. When the appetite builds up again they either return or find their next source of supply.

It’s usually best to find someone new who sees them as new and interesting. That feels really good, and nobody who has known them a bit longer can really provide them with that bedazzled reaction that the narcissist craves.

They look like normal people, work, make small talk etc, to blend in well when they have to but they’re not like us.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know the feeling.

If you need to revise I have a recording of it here.

I remember when that came out. I never saw it either for some reason, even though I had rented almost everything else in that video shop.

I think the part of their humanity that feels empathy, bonds, compassion and so on are completely absent in some people. But more than that, not only are they incapable of feeling or reciprocating love and empathy, they also have a sadistic appetite for other people’s suffering and little else can satiate them.

Those anchor points (stable people) are essential. It’s why I try to be less of an introvert these days. You never know who you’re helping just by being explicitly decent.

Jesus. That doesn’t sound like a momentary lapse in judgment the way you describe it, but a trait. Must have been horrendous. Well done for not turning out like that.

I know the feeling. I was lucky that my first therapist was solid as a rock and spotted things I wasn’t even aware of. But working through it was damn tough.

You deserve a good life now and I hope you get it.

Glad to hear that. I’m only a few chapters in but it’s excellent so far and there is no filler. It can bring up memories, but it’s like the gym: worth it.

I’m glad you’re maintaining a boundary that sounds right for you. I won’t be attending my father’s funeral at all.

I assume that was absolutely calculated for maximum pain. I’m so sorry.

That is utterly evil (ok the everyday sense). Glad you were prepped for that, but I’m very sorry that you’ve had life experiences that taught you it was necessary.

I’m reading this at the moment. It sounds like you might have active abuse rather than detached neglect (which I believe is also abuse).

This stuff impacts us and those around us in the future. From personal experience it’s well worth talking to a pro about it.

Apparently the advice is that because the domain is so young, emails could get filtered into spam https://toot.fedilab.app/@apps/117140609785780347